I’m alone in a black and white world….
The expectations of going to university and succeeding are high especially from your parents I can’t even imagine how they must feel oh my lil black child has got into university I’m so proud.
Then you get there and it’s as if someone has thrown you into a pool at the deep end, you can breathe and the term sink or swim has never been more relevant. I wish I could tell you how I felt the first time I went university I didn’t know I was dyslexic and the idea of asking help was a myth. The nerves got the best of me and I failed I let myself fail, not to say I couldn’t have asked for health sure i could have but the help I did get was not up to my standards.
You ever get that feeling because you are black that speaking to a white lecturer is a nerve racking experience how do I say I feel lost and that this course may not be for me. How do I say I’m dealing with issues outside the classroom such as racism on a daily basis whether in physical form or otherwise without been seen as moaning too much how do I do that with someone who can’t relate to me.
Its as if there is a barrier there that’s holding me back from expressing myself totally and completely from saying I’m scared I’m literally petrified living with my two black parents who want anything for me to succeed because the alternative is horrifying. A black woman without a degree what is my worth?!! What do I say how do I voice all these things these emotions racing around my head like a NASCAR driver.
Its scary and with no one to talk to you, and when you talk cultural differences possible perceived racism hinders your ability to succeed. No matter what we do in life we always want to succeed, and when you don’t you feel down and I guess a lil depressed. One thing I’ve noticed is that if a black persons drops out of university it’s usually from not receiving the help they require. The feeling that you are lost and unable to cope and wondering who can you turn to.
Let alone your parents constantly asking you how are you feeling, are you asking for help if you need it and you say yeah but you know you’re lying because you don’t want to disappoint black parents who have provided for you and made a home in a country that is foreign to them so you can have a better chance at life. The guilt is over bearing at times.
You have to do what is best for you at all times and not other people and if university doesn’t work out for you for what ever reason. Remember there are other options apprenticeships, college courses sign up to an agency etc what ever suits you best, stay blessed and stress free most importantly……
Written by Sistah soul 2017 (c) ✨💄🙌🏾